Oh, Helen

Oh, Helen, you're a felon,
But there's a reason I'm not tellin'
The authorities just where
Your lab is hidden.

Oh, Narbon -- that's a hard one --
Not a damn thing rhymes with Narbon.
Look, the point is that our love
Has been forbidden.

        I was just an innocent computer science major when we met;
        That's not an oxymoron, I was purely Windows free.
        The day you interviewed me is a day I never will forget.
        I really, truly mean that. I'd need years of therapy.

Ur-gerbils, mental hurdles,
Laughs that make a man's blood curdle;
These aren't traits I used to look for
In a girlfriend.

But you changed me, rearranged me,
Heck, you even brain-exchanged me.
Now I know I'm gonna love you
'Til the world ends.

        I was hired to fix your death ray, and my henchman's life was good.
        Well, until your mother killed me. Every office has its flaws.
        But I realized mad science was just poorly understood
        On the day you ressurrected me, and broke all godly laws...

                This is my mad science manifesto!
                Now I must reveal my evil plan!
                I'll use all of my powers to convince you
                A guy named Dave can be your perfect man!

                If you can create a talking gerbil,
                There's a chance my evil may prevail!
                Sure, it's true, my task is somewhat harder...
                I know the odds are good I'm gonna fail.

Spoken: "But isn't attempting the impossible with insufficent tools the definition of 'mad'?"

I'll show you, even though you
Don't believe I really know you;
We're both products of a world that
Thinks we're crazy.

Believe me -- you can't leave me.
There's no reason to deceive me.
You can kill me if you must;
You'll still amaze me.

        Oh, Helen, I don't care if you're a crazy woman's clone,
        Or if petty-minded morons laughed back in academy.
        You're the only mad geneticist I want to call my own,
        And I want to share your lab, your bed, and your insanity...

                This is my mad science manifesto!
                That's why it's presented really loud!
                No angry mobs with torches can dissuade me!
                I'm pretty sure I'm faster than the crowd.

                If you'd only pause for contemplation,
                You'd see my love will never be denied...

                So put back the ebola and the ray-guns and the slime,
                Tell Mel it doesn't matter, get your mother off the line,
                I won't rest until 'Star Trek' returns, and you admit you're mine...

Can't you see the maddest act of all,
The very maddest act of all,
The only thing that beats them all,
Is Helen, dearest felon,
Finally tellin' me...

You're mine.

Written on: 2006-05-09. Seanan McGuire